best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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