My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish my penis had a tongue
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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