Do vagina's smell?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
