Duck Duck Cougar?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
