God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
