i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
