the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize