just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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