Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
