im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
