I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think I just sharted jello shots
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
