so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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