I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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