I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
