Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
