You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
