I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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