So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
