You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
