I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
