he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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