I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
