It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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