There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
