My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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