I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
