my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
