Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
