I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
