I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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