sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
