Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
