Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
