Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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