He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
