CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
