Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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