Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
