last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
