If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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