I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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