Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
