between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
