I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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