one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
