we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
