I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize