We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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