If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
