When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
