He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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