if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
