well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We're too hungover to prance.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
