I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
