he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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