i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize