Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
