you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
