I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
