Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
