We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
