What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
