they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
