I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
