I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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